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Sean Connery looks great. I'd totally do him.

[about indiana jones 4] slightly less realistic than a cartoon.

Jew isn't a race, it's a disease.

I burp cute.

Our menu's so good, the pages are stuck together.

I could have really awesome kids with myself.

It's jew christmas.

Every time I toss salad I don't use these [holds up claws]

That's the second gayest thing you've ever said after 'i want to suck your dick.'

You can't put a chick in a big dong competition.

Hey guess what? If you get decapitated, you don't get to compete in jeopardy.

What's the difference between a prosthetic leg and a prosthetic leg?

I like dick, I've just never had any.

You have no idea how often the 'no 4th hole' problem comes up.

That's why I only pick on blind people in wheelchairs.

I eat two bottoms on my hamburger and I always go in the back way.

Nerds are like Asians, they always look really young.

Wow. Now I have the head of a twelve year old.

Beat the crap out of her for a little while. Then a little slap won't seem so bad.

They didn't invite me back after I punched the puppy's face through the wall.

Pig porn! Pig porn!

You got problems because you have to kill babies? Whatever.

Just because I fuck a pig doesn't mean I want to take care of its kids.

How awesome would it be if people didn't have to have kids anymore? You just have a pen of pigs birthing out human babies.

I'm balls deep in my neighbor's wife. And God's watching me!

It's not fun if you're not choking.

She's right, I do have a circumcision fetish. I chase down homeless people and circumcize them.

Some people have a foot fetish. I have an appendix scar fetish.

Shoot with one hand, wipe with the other.

Some people come here for lapdances. I come for the feet.

She's trying to get you drunk so she can take advantage of your feet.

[said on seder] That's right, i've got a pig dick.

It sounds like you're gargling sex.

It sounds like you're gargling sex.

[an oldie]

I wonder if black people get more money for their soul, because the got a lot of soul.