If you have sex with two nine year old midgets, does it make one 18 year old midget, or one whole nine year old?

It's not a quote. It's a business plan.

That's what we do for Christmas, we go to Home Depot, pick up Heyzus, and worship him.

When my roommates would argue, I'd just take a shit on the middle of the floor.

I threw a midget party where they wore table hats. I paid them half minimum wage because they're half-people.

Anyone can throw feces, but it takes a real man to throw pee.

Like anyone at the airport's gunna twist your nipples.

Guys rub balls better.

Double sexual Jeopardy.