If you have sex with two nine year old midgets, does it make one 18 year old midget, or one whole nine year old?

It's not a quote. It's a business plan.

That's what we do for Christmas, we go to Home Depot, pick up Heyzus, and worship him.

When my roommates would argue, I'd just take a shit on the middle of the floor.

I threw a midget party where they wore table hats. I paid them half minimum wage because they're half-people.

Anyone can throw feces, but it takes a real man to throw pee.

Like anyone at the airport's gunna twist your nipples.

Guys rub balls better.

Double sexual Jeopardy.

RE: Coke

It has more carbonation than a bottle of carbonation.

RE: "Chubby"

That's what I named my penis.

Did you enjoy the cake?

If touching the top of the bottle is kissing, what about keg stands? Does that mean all college guys are gay?

I'm going to marry sinead O'connor so I never have to pick my wife's hair off my clothes.

Now they're making movies about black guys who WANT their kids back?

I think you'd get drunk if you poured beer directly on your brain.

I had a picture of Julia Roberts in my bathroom. Inside the toliet!

If I could kick one chick in the nuts it would be Julia Roberts.

But I won't eat bitch.

The original pinocchio was really a little boy who wanted to be a jew, so his nose grew every time he wanted to be a jew.

I can't stand jews and I hate my family.

I nice drive all the time and it's not nice.

tell him I'm going to eat my boogers and he can go to hell

dinner's off, I hate you guys I'm just going to eat my boogers and work. at home

that's like taco bell not serving tacos or bells.

I hate ribs, and I hate people with ribs.

I keep seeing the billboards for the "new" Lady And The Tramp. What kind of person is like "I already own the other three editions, but this one has the special director's blooper reel!"?

RE: Neopets

Does the pet ever freak out? "I'm in the Matrix! Get me out!" It would be depressing to find out they weren't real, like Gepetto "I just want to be a real boy!" "Too bad fucker! You're a pet!"

You know how Mexican vatos always wear shorts just below the knee, and white socks pulled up just above? They should make one pieces, the shorts with the socks built in.

Speed doesn't taste too fantastic either, but it does wonders for your body.

Thoughts

If anybody else thought of all the things I think of, by default, they would be me.

The only thing that pops into my mind when I'm picking my nose is my finger.

The Zero Finger

You know how we are all supposedly decendent from Adam and Eve, so we should be all incestuous?

I've always wondered why humans have pinky fingers. It serves no purpose.

So here it is: God didn't give us pinky fingers. They exist because of incest.

If our fingers were supposed to be intended for counting, we'd have a zero finger.